So, as I promised to you in winter, here I am, back in the writing game and blonde again (at least nearly, I’m waiting for the last bits of pink to wash out of my hair like everybody is waiting for the last bit of winter to disappear). I can proudly say that I have made it through the weeks of writing my Bachelor thesis and planning my world trip on the side without loosing my mind and now I have officially finished my studies (for now) and my job, had my last gig in Berlin and am less than a week away from my next big adventure…
After leaving home to live in London when I was 15, becoming a German champion in Hip Hop Dancing when I was 17, being a Popstar at 20, leaving everything behind when I was 24, going back to uni when I was 25 and getting naked on TV in between, I am now, at 28 ½, ready for the real deal: a 6 month trip around the world. On my own.
Or wait … am I really ready?
The truth is: I have no idea.
Looking at the listing above, you probably think that I don’t fear the extreme, the unknown, life on the fast lane and leaving my comfort zone. And it’s true, I have always done one thing: I always pursued my dreams. I always set my goals high and my priorities straight. But that doesn’t mean that I am not afraid. Believe me, 99% of the time I am terrified of most of the stuff I do. The secret is, to do it anyway! I know it’s easier said than done, we all know it’s hard, but I think it’s a mental ability that everyone can learn, because it really is happening in your mind first. It’s the ability of overcoming fear and doubts, it’s the amount of trust you are able to invest in yourself and your decisions, it’s the intuition to feel what is right for you and follow that path, but also feel what’s not and then leave that behind. And the final step is not packing your suitcase (even though that’s a pretty big deal, too, read more about it here) or subletting your apartment or driving to the airport… no, the final step is an inner process that will lead you to a state of mind in which you know:
What I am about to do is right for me and I have to do it, for whatever reason that is.
You know, I am not ready to not sleep in my own cozy bed for half a year, but I know I spend too much time in it anyway, so it’ll be ok.
I’m not ready to not drink my favorite juice every morning, but I know coconut water will do, too.
I’m not ready to leave university just yet, but I know I will finally have time to read every Harry Potter book again, so that’s a plus.
I am not ready to park my van at my parents, but I know a rickshaw, a slow train, a boat or an elephant are pretty good options to get from one place to the other, too.
I am not ready to miss my best friends 30th birthday, the Berlin summer, the Bruno Mars world tour or the rest of Nashville, season 5. I am not ready to use other tampons than I usually do, not ready to have dirty feet all the time, not ready to have no internet on my phone (in that exact order). I am not ready to not be able to call my sister for advice or my mum or my dad (depending on the current emergency situation) and I am not ready to not see my friends for a long time.
And oh, my nephew? It absolutely breaks my heart that I won’t be able to hold him or play with him or just stare at this wonderful little being when he’s sleeping and he won’t even notice that I’m gone, because he’s too young to understand the concept of time…
So yes, as absurd or banal some of these things may sound, these are the little things and the big things that make my everyday life comfortable, the people that reassure me that I am loved, the places I know I feel at home…. and we could all write a list like that. Of course it makes us anxious to leave the place, the things and the people that make us feel secure behind, even though we know, we’ll come back. It’s the uncertainty of the things ahead that makes me feel like I’m not ready. But the thing is: we are never ready. We will always find one or another reason, why it’s safer for us to not do something big, to not take a risk, to not allow us to be free. But freedom waits on the other side of fear…. the only way to get there is to do it anyway. ‚Fear‘ and I are old friends now, we’re holding hands and walking together, until I feel I can let go and we separate for a while, but we always meet again at some point.
I am afraid, but that’s ok. I am not ready, and that’s ok. I am anxious, damn, who isn’t?!
But I am absolutely 100% sure that I really need to do this.
I am totally convinced that this is what I want.
And I am also aware that I will have the time of my life in one way or another.
I am not ready, but I am willing to see what my life, the world, this trip has to offer for me. I am willing to open my eyes and my heart. I am willing to always make the best of it and be brave. I am willing to overcome fear and exchange it with joy. I am willing to be free.
And that is enough.
So I will go on my world trip and I can’t wait to take all of you with me to:
Sri Lanka (March), Indonesia (April), Philippines (May), USA (June), Nicaragua (July), Guadeloupe (August).
Are you ready to follow me around the world??? (And ’no‘ doesn’t count as an answer…)
If you would like to get your daily „world trip“ update and see loads of pictures, I would be super happy if you would follow me on Instagram: naked_and_alive_